(Worthy Satire) – In a stunning new op-ed titled “Skipping the IRS on Your Tips? Here’s Why That’s Unpatriotic”, the Washington Post has bravely stepped forward to defend one of America’s most cherished institutions: federal waste.
“Sure, you earned that money waiting tables, delivering pizzas, or juggling flaming swords on the Vegas strip,” the article concedes. “But do you really think you can spend it better than a $4.5 million federally funded shrimp-on-a-treadmill study?”
The editorial argues that dodging taxes on tip money “erodes the social contract,” noting that every dollar not sent to the IRS is a dollar not used to repaint bridges in colors that trigger fewer emotions, fund poetry workshops for bureaucrats, or develop a gender-neutral AI toaster.
“People think they’re being clever,” the columnist writes, “but every time you keep that extra cash, a Defense Department consultant goes unfunded—and we might never find out if geese can be weaponized.”
The Post warns that personal spending leads to dangerous outcomes like paying rent, buying groceries, or—God forbid—saving. “That’s selfish,” it concludes. “Instead, trust the government to vaporize your earnings in a safe, inefficient, and profoundly forgettable manner.”
The IRS responded with a stern warning: “Tips are taxable. So are dreams, hope, and that crumpled $5 bill you found in your jeans. Don’t make us audit your childhood memories next.”
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