WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a bold move to save the American economy a full $0.008 per citizen, the U.S. Mint announced it is moving forward with plans to assassinate the penny — the coin that costs more to make than it’s worth and has spent the last 30 years hiding under couch cushions and gas station floors.
“We’ve tried everything — public shaming, rounding laws, even letting Canada shame us — but the penny just won’t die,” said Mint spokesperson Paula Zinc. “Now we’re pulling the plug. It’s over. We’re melting Lincoln.”
However, not all elements of the one-cent piece will perish. Officials confirmed that “In God We Trust” — the national motto, spiritual lifeline, and fallback answer on every high school history test — will be spared and reassigned to other currency like a divine game of musical chairs.
“You can kill the penny,” said Treasury Secretary spokesman, “but you can’t kill trust in God. That’s been grandfathered in since about 1956.”
Critics warned that removing the penny could disrupt the sacred tradition of grumpy men paying in exact change at the DMV, but proponents noted it might also spare countless Americans the embarrassment of scraping the checkout tray for 4¢ in public.
Meanwhile, millions of pennies are reportedly hoarding together in coffee cans, preparing for what they call The Copper Rebellion.
Stay tuned. Or better yet, just round up.
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