WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a bold move that sent Ivy League administrators into a collective pearl-clutch, President Donald Trump announced today he would be revoking $3 billion in federal grants from Harvard University, reallocating the funds to “real schools where people actually learn to do something.”
“Harvard’s been milking taxpayers for years while handing out degrees in basket-weaving feminism and Marxist puppetry,” Trump said from the White House lawn, flanked by a welder, a plumber, and a guy named Randy who fixes diesel engines. “We’re done funding elitist nonsense. It’s time we invested in American know-how — not Harvard how-to-be-annoying.”
According to insiders, the money will be redirected to vocational and trade schools offering skills like electrical work, HVAC repair, and welding — programs Trump hailed as producing “people who can actually build a wall, not write an essay about why it’s oppressive.”
The announcement was met with immediate backlash from the Harvard faculty lounge, where several professors reportedly collapsed into their mid-century modern furniture upon hearing the news.
A visibly shaken Harvard sociology professor tweeted, “This is an assault on higher thinking and interpretive dance theory.” Meanwhile, Trump responded on Truth Social: “Higher thinking? Try higher tuition. No thanks.”
Critics say the move is politically motivated. Supporters say it’s the first time a U.S. president has declared war on useless majors.
“Trade schools build America,” Trump said. “Harvard builds resumes for people who work at BuzzFeed.”
He closed his speech with a final jab: “I’d rather hire a guy with a welding torch than someone who spent $200,000 learning how to be offended.”
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