WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what some are calling the most bipartisan moment in recent memory, a coalition of frustrated Democrats—and a handful of superstitious Astros fans—have introduced emergency legislation to officially ban Senator Ted Cruz from attending live sporting events, citing what they refer to as the “Cruz Curse.”
“Every time he shows up, disaster strikes,” said Rep. Louder McGuffin (D-NY). “He’s like a walking reverse anointing oil. Teams collapse, quarterbacks fumble, mascots pull hamstrings. This isn’t politics anymore. This is public safety.”
The legislation, dubbed the C.R.U.Z. Act (Cease Republican Unlucky Zoning), would place a 500-yard restraining order between Cruz and any arena, stadium, or elementary school tee-ball field.
Cruz responded defiantly on X (formerly Twitter), stating:
“I will not be bullied. I love sports, freedom, and undercooked stadium nachos. This is cancel culture in cleats.”
Las Vegas oddsmakers have already begun adjusting point spreads based on the senator’s travel schedule.
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