(Worthy Satire) – In a shocking upset to decades of baseball tradition, Topps has officially issued a baseball card not for Aaron Judge, not for Shohei Ohtani, but for an actual squirrel.
The furry interloper became a legend last week when it charged the field during the Yankees-Red Sox game, bravely halting play and sending fans into a frenzy. Security scrambled, players froze, and umpires admitted afterward they were secretly relieved someone else was finally stealing bases.
After being escorted (humanely) from the stadium, the squirrel told reporters–through what witnesses described as “an impressive amount of squeaks and interpretive tail flicks”–that he was grateful to God the game was in New York. “At least here, only the criminals have guns,” the squirrel said, “so I didn’t have to worry about being shot for loitering near third base.”
The squirrel further confessed he never expected his face on a baseball card. “I thought maybe a wanted poster, sure, but cardboard stock with stats on the back? That’s divine providence,” he squeaked, before signing autographs with tiny claw marks.
The Yankees released a statement afterward saying the squirrel had “better fielding instincts than half the bullpen” and might be offered a minor league contract. The Red Sox, meanwhile, claimed the rodent was a plant, part of a long-standing Bronx conspiracy to distract their hitters.
Fans are now scrambling to collect the card, with eBay listings already hitting $500. One seller advertised it as “mint condition, no chew marks–except maybe divine nibbling.”
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