DALLAS, TX (Worthy Satire) – Southwest Airlines has announced a bold new safety policy requiring all passengers to keep phone chargers, cables, and power bricks fully visible during flights, in a move the airline says will reduce fire hazards and mid-air suspicion.
“No more sneaky charging under sweaters, blankets, or seat cushions,” said a Southwest spokesperson. “If your phone is charging, we need to see it–loud and proud. This is a flight, not a covert spy mission.”
The policy comes after multiple close calls involving overheating battery packs “lurking in the shadows,” and one incident where a mysterious cable protruding from a carry-on bag triggered a full cabin evacuation and two hours of emergency interpretive dance from the TSA.
Flight attendants have been trained to perform what’s being called a “cord visibility sweep,” gently reminding passengers to “bring their electronics into the light” using helpful phrases like, “Ma’am, your charger looks like it has ill intent.”
Passengers who fail to comply may have their USB-C cables confiscated and replaced with Southwest’s new safety-approved cord cozy–a bright orange wrap reading “NOT A FIRE STARTER.”
Meanwhile, United Airlines responded with a press release stating, “Our passengers can hide their chargers. We don’t care. We barely even care where your bags end up.”
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