(Worthy Satire) – In a bold move to appease both health advocates and nostalgic diabetics, candy-maker Mars Inc. has announced it has removed the controversial additive titanium dioxide from Skittles—after being publicly called out by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other wellness warriors.
“We heard the concerns,” a company spokesperson said, “and we realized we didn’t need fancy chemicals to hijack your child’s pancreas. Pure, uncut sugar will do just fine.”
The company’s new motto, “Taste the Rainbow… of Glucose Spikes,” is already being test-marketed in several states with lax nutritional standards.
Meanwhile, RFK Jr. praised the decision as a “win for natural ingredients,” adding that Skittles were now only “one artificial flavor and three lawsuits away from being safe.”
In response to growing demand for healthier treats, Mars also announced plans to launch an organic, plant-based version of Starburst—made entirely of kale and broken dreams.
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