(Worthy Satire) – In a scene locals are already calling “Hangover: Woodland Edition,” a 28-pound raccoon brought chaos, confusion, and an impressive tolerance level to a Virginia ABC store late Tuesday night.
According to witnesses, the raccoon slipped inside as a customer opened the door, immediately made a beeline for the bourbon aisle, and began–according to the store manager–“sampling product like he owned the place.”
Security footage reportedly shows the suspect knocking over several shelves, attempting to pry open a bottle of top-shelf whiskey, and then staring aggressively at his own reflection in the cooler door for approximately three minutes.
Employees say the raccoon then staggered into the restroom, curled up on the floor, and passed out “like a college freshman who discovered Fireball for the first time.”
Animal Control officers, after taking photos “for evidence and also Facebook,” safely removed the raccoon, who awoke mid-transport, demanded a lawyer, and attempted to bite an officer’s hat.
Authorities say the creature is expected to make a full recovery from intoxication and will face no charges, as Virginia currently has no legal framework regarding woodland creatures with drinking problems.
Witnesses, however, remain traumatized.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said one shopper. “At first I thought it was my ex-husband.”
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