SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (Worthy Satire) – In a move that raises both eyebrows and eschatological alarms, Amazon Prime has quietly censored the classic Robin Hood film—apparently because the outlaw’s mission to liberate the oppressed and confront the powerful looked uncomfortably similar to… well, Jesus.
According to anonymous insiders—who fear both corporate retaliation and an angel with a flaming two-day delivery sword—the company grew uneasy with Robin Hood’s “give to the poor” message. “We support positive values,” said one executive, “just not ones that involve sacrificial love, economic justice, or threatening our quarterly profit margins.”
The streaming service reportedly flagged the film for “thematic concerns,” noting that Robin’s habit of challenging corrupt leaders, feeding the hungry, and living among the outcasts too closely mirrored the Sermon on the Mount. “It’s basically a parable,” one employee whispered. “And we all know how subversive those get.”
Amazon’s decision has sparked renewed interest in physical media—now being dubbed the “Dead Sea Scrolls” of the digital age. Christians and collectors alike are rushing to preserve DVDs, Blu-rays, and VHS tapes, lest the next cultural purge erase any hero who preaches repentance to the rich and hope to the poor.
In a scroll-like press release tied to an arrow, Robin Hood responded from the green canopy of Sherwood Forest:
“If standing up to corrupt kings, lifting up the lowly, and giving what I have to those in need is now worthy of censorship… then maybe it’s not just the content they’re afraid of. Maybe it’s the Gospel.”
The move has theologians drawing comparisons to Jesus’ own run-ins with empire and religious elites—both of whom were eager to silence Him when He upset their systems. “Robin Hood flipping the tables in Nottingham is not far from Jesus in the Temple,” one pastor commented. “And we all know how that ended… until three days later.”
With whispers that The Chosen might soon be “flagged for radical messaging,” the Church is once again reminded: if you want to keep the message alive, maybe don’t rely on Big Tech Pharaohs to stream the Exodus.
For now, physical media remains the modern-day ark—protecting stories that preach good news to the poor, liberty to the captives, and justice to the world’s very uncomfortable rich.
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