PHILADELPHIA (Worthy Satire) – In a fiery rollout of what city officials are calling a “radically simplified transit strategy,” at least 40 decommissioned buses were set ablaze at a Philly depot, sparking both literal and metaphorical smoke signals about the future of transportation.
“We figured if we can’t fix the system, we might as well give it a Viking funeral,” said SEPTA spokesperson Blaze McKindle, as plumes of toxic nostalgia rose above the city skyline.
The burning buses, many of which were set to be scrapped anyway, have now been rebranded as part of the city’s new performance art initiative titled “Farewell, Fare Evaders.” Tickets to view the flames were $2.50—same as a one-way ride to nowhere.
Mayor Jim “Hot Wheels” Kensington praised the operation. “We’ve solved two problems at once: clearing the lot and finally warming up those neighborhoods we forgot to heat all winter.”
Meanwhile, environmental activists said the smoke cloud now hovering over Philadelphia has triggered an emergency weather advisory: “Partly charred with a chance of carcinogens.”
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