WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – The Defense Department has officially ended its long-running requirement for the Department of Global Engagement (DOGE) to send out its weekly “What Did You Do Last Week?” emails, citing national security concerns after multiple junior officers began using the thread to detail strategic victories in high-stakes games of Risk.
Sources say the emails, originally meant to foster transparency and collaboration, devolved into detailed accounts of “conquering China with unholy precision” and “showing India what true soft power looks like.”
One especially enthusiastic staffer signed off his update with, “Next week: Australia falls. Just watch me.” Officials became concerned when satellite intel later confirmed a suspicious uptick in meetings involving Australia, war games simulations, and an unusual volume of Vegemite requisitions.
A spokesperson for the Pentagon confirmed the cancellation: “While DOGE’s commitment to engagement is admirable, we’d prefer our global conquest strategies stay theoretical — and preferably not played out over a board game and three bottles of Mountain Dew.”
Unofficially, insiders say the final straw came when a staffer forwarded their Risk update with the subject line “Mission Accomplished,” triggering a minor diplomatic incident and a very uncomfortable Zoom call with NATO.
DOGE, however, remains optimistic. In lieu of weekly updates, they plan to launch a new series of morale-boosting posters under the slogan: “Global Engagement: Less Risk, More Sanity.”
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