With plumes of smoke rising over the Eiffel Tower and mobs flipping Citroëns like crepes, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte clinked champagne glasses from a secure rooftop terrace, celebrating what they described as “the vibrant spirit of French democracy.”
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In a dazzling display of athletic nationalism and completely coincidental arson, major media outlets have confirmed that the recent torching of Paris was not a riot — but rather a “fiery but mostly peaceful celebration” of Paris Saint-Germain’s Champions League victory.
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In a bold move to appease both health advocates and nostalgic diabetics, candy-maker Mars Inc. has announced it has removed the controversial additive titanium dioxide from Skittles—after being publicly called out by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other wellness warriors.
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In a bold move to combat climate change and ideological methane, New York Democrats have introduced legislation to limit the number of cows on farms, citing scientific data that cow farts are now officially more hazardous than Republican talking points.
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Haribo has issued an urgent recall of its Happy Cola gummies in the Netherlands after several schoolchildren were caught giggling uncontrollably while trying to solve 2+2 using the Common Core curriculum.
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In a stunning new op-ed titled “Skipping the IRS on Your Tips? Here’s Why That’s Unpatriotic”, the Washington Post has bravely stepped forward to defend one of America’s most cherished institutions: federal waste.
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The Defense Department has officially ended its long-running requirement for the Department of Global Engagement (DOGE) to send out its weekly “What Did You Do Last Week?” emails, citing national security concerns after multiple junior officers began using the thread to detail strategic victories in high-stakes games of Risk.
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The U.S. government has abruptly canceled a $590 million contract with Moderna for a bird flu vaccine, after scientists made a shocking discovery: Americans still don’t enjoy sharp objects being jabbed into their arms by strangers wearing latex gloves.
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In the latest twist of climate irony, hundreds of climate refugees have apparently taken to Mount Everest in a bold attempt to flee global warming—only to freeze to death while stuck in a Himalayan traffic jam.
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Get ready to sweat through your socks, toast your toes on the pavement, and question every life choice involving sleeves–because top weather experts say “killer heat” is here to stay, possibly for years.
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In a rare moment of self-awareness—or possibly a caffeine crash—former FBI Director James Comey lashed out at “podcasters” Dan Bongino and Kash Patel for “reviewing” the infamous bag of cocaine found at the Biden White House, accusing them of conspiracy-mongering, defamation, and interrupting his deep-state power nap.
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Airline passengers fed up with outrageous baggage fees are now turning airports into fashion runways of absurdity, wearing their wardrobes and inventing new ways to travel with everything—except a suitcase.
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In a bold new initiative that’s being described as “cost-cutting with flair,” The Washington Post has launched its latest campaign: Are You In or Out? — a voluntary buyout program that doubles as a reality TV show pitch and a cry for help.
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Tensions boiled over outside the Obamas’ posh D.C. residence Tuesday as two female Secret Service agents reportedly engaged in what witnesses described as a “highly trained hair-pulling showdown.”
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In a development that has left both ethicists and stand-up comedians speechless, a Harvard behavioral scientist who specialized in the study of honesty has been fired for allegedly fabricating data in multiple studies.
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In a groundbreaking (and moon-cracking) development, China and Russia have announced a historic agreement to build the first power plant on the Moon, sparking fears that the United States may soon need to import electricity from outer space.
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In a bold move that sent Ivy League administrators into a collective pearl-clutch, President Donald Trump announced today he would be revoking $3 billion in federal grants from Harvard University, reallocating the funds to “real schools where people actually learn to do something.”
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In a stunning announcement that left economists confused and Dogecoin investors nostalgic, Elon Musk confirmed that the long-rumored “X Money” has entered beta testing ahead of a full launch in 2025. The cryptocurrency, which some insiders describe as “Dogecoin’s spiritually confused cousin,” is reportedly backed by nothing except Musk’s tweets and a GIF of a Shiba Inu wearing sunglasses.
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In a revelation more shocking than a Super Bowl fumble, beloved TV personality and former NFL star Michael Strahan has entered therapy after discovering a disturbing family secret: his childhood pet pig, “Sir Oinks-a-Lot,” wasn’t rehomed — he was roasted.
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In a bold new prediction, Elon Musk proclaimed that by 2040, “tens of billions” of humanoid robots will populate the Earth — a number slightly higher than the planet’s total square footage and about 30 billion more than the current human population.
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