In a stunning reversal of a decades-old policy, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) announced Monday that it will no longer require airline passengers to remove their shoes at security checkpoints–not for efficiency, but for national nostril security.

In breaking news that absolutely no one saw coming, the long-awaited Jeffrey Epstein files have mysteriously disappeared. Again. Investigators arrived at a secure storage facility early Tuesday morning only to find a Post-it Note that read, “Oops. Must’ve misplaced them. –C”

In what officials are calling “an ecological insurrection,” the mosquito population in Alligator Alcatraz has reached apocalyptic levels, leaving residents, tourists, and local gators alike begging for mercy — or at least citronella.

After nearly two weeks of silence and subterranean seclusion, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has triumphantly emerged from what sources describe as a “lightly perfumed” bunker beneath Tehran, citing “humidity, boredom, and the lack of decent Wi-Fi” as reasons for his return to public view.

In a triumph of nostalgia and bacteria, the City of Light has finally reopened the Seine River for public swimming—because nothing says “Vive la France” like diving headfirst into a historic waterway with the aroma of medieval sewage and modern optimism.

In what experts are calling “the most emotionally available relationship since the invention of mirrors,” thousands of tech users across the globe have reportedly fallen head-over-heels in love with their AI chatbot assistants.

In an inspiring tale of American exceptionalism, House Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi and her husband Paul have once again defied the laws of average market returns–and possibly the laws of the land–by raking in a stunning 54% return on investments this year.

In a heartwarming yet slightly unsettling milestone this week, Amazon celebrated the deployment of its one-millionth robot at its mega-fulfillment center in Japan. The robot, affectionately named “Unit #1000000,” was welcomed with confetti, a synchronized beeping ceremony, and a retirement party for Steve–Amazon’s last human warehouse worker at the facility.

In what flight attendants are now calling “a literal spiritual journey,” passengers aboard Flight 316 from Orlando to Dallas broke into spontaneous Scripture quoting after a live snake was spotted slithering under a row of seats midair.

In a bold crime wave that police say could only have been masterminded by someone with the coordination of a caffeinated squirrel, a 12-year-old boy was arrested this week for allegedly stealing multiple vehicles — and then flipping them for what authorities described as “basically lunch money.”

In a new Gallup poll released just in time for the Fourth of July, only 36% of Democrats reported being “very proud” to be American—prompting nationwide shortages of reusable tote bags, NPR bumper stickers, and hand-woven guilt.

In an unexpected plot twist that shook the foundation of progressive grammar everywhere, BBC reporter Nigel Penworthy earned viral fame yesterday after dramatically halting a live broadcast to correct the phrase “pregnant people,” daring instead to utter the ancient and mysterious word: women.

In a stunning move that has rocked the tech world and therapists alike, Microsoft has officially retired the iconic Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), ending decades of nostalgic trauma and late-night sobbing.

Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei emerged via pixelated bunker broadcast on state TV Wednesday to declare “total victory” over Israel and the United States — despite the minor detail that Iran didn’t shoot down a single plane, kill a single soldier, or prevent any of its “symbols of strength” from being turned into flaming craters.

In a shocking but totally coincidental series of events, Meta reportedly made “eerily perfect” trades just seconds before members of Congress moved large amounts of stock — all while owning WhatsApp, the encrypted messaging app lawmakers used to coordinate what they repeatedly insisted were “totally unrelated lunch orders.”

Planned Parenthood sparked confusion and laughter online this week after launching a bold new campaign urging “men” to schedule their routine cervical cancer screenings. The organization doubled down on its long-standing slogan, “Trans men are men,” while reminding them that they may still need to get their cervix examined—assuming they haven’t misplaced it.

In a stunning blow to Paris, Bali, and that one pharmacy in Tijuana, New Zealand has officially been crowned the “Best Place to Have Herpes,” thanks to a cheeky public health ad that has now gone viral — in more ways than one.

In a shocking on-air monologue that left even the studio teleprompter sweating, an MSNBC host passionately defended Hillary Clinton’s hypothetical foreign policy toughness, saying, “If Hillary had been president, Iran’s nuclear program would’ve been flattened–just like the careers, reputations, and pulses of her political enemies.”

Iran’s notorious “Destruction of Israel” countdown clock met its end this week in a precision Israeli airstrike — but rather than rage, Iranian officials have responded with relief, admitting that the clock’s timing was based on the wrong prophetic calendar all along.

In a stunning display of perseverance — or perhaps just stubbornness—the Iranian regime announced today that it will continue its nuclear program at “full speed,” despite the minor inconvenience that every single nuclear installation in the country has been reduced to smoldering rubble.