In a devastating blow to the fast food industry, McDonald’s shares took a nosedive this week after analysts downgraded the company–citing the rise of weight-loss drugs that are apparently more appealing than a hot, greasy Big Mac and a side of existential regret.

In a shocking twist that has left the diabetic community fizzing with rage, the FDA has issued an urgent recall of Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar after discovering the beverage may, in fact, contain more sugar than a Texas state fair funnel cake.

In an unexpected side effect of Nintendo’s fastest-selling console launch in history, hospitals nationwide are reporting a sharp rise in go-kart injuries—mostly from players who thought drifting in real life worked just like it does in Mario Kart.

Environmental activist Greta Thunberg made headlines this week after claiming she was “kidnapped” by the Israeli Defense Forces during a protest near the Gaza border. However, eyewitnesses and leaked footage tell a different story — one that includes vegan meals, complimentary Wi-Fi, and bedtime stories in three languages.

In a bold move to secure affection and street loyalty, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has ordered a sweeping ban on dog walking across more than 20 Iranian cities, claiming citizens have shown “more unconditional love to their dogs than to their divinely appointed overlord.”

In a hoof-stomping display of bovine desperation, a cow at a Arkansas livestock auction made a dramatic, fruitless bid for freedom by scaling the bleachers and crashing through the roof–only to be reminded, mid-air, that he had already been disqualified from red heifer candidacy.

In a bold leap forward for romance and regression, a new survey reveals that the majority of Gen Z is willing to marry artificial intelligence — provided the AI can text back consistently and never ghost them during Mercury retrograde.

In a fiery rollout of what city officials are calling a “radically simplified transit strategy,” at least 40 decommissioned buses were set ablaze at a Philly depot, sparking both literal and metaphorical smoke signals about the future of transportation.

In a stunning display of artificial intelligence developing common sense, Amazon’s new humanoid delivery robots have reportedly refused to operate in the state of Alabama, citing “a statistically unreasonable chance of being mistaken for a trespassing Terminator.”

In a breakthrough for parents who always dreamed of designing their child like a luxury car, a genetics startup has launched a revolutionary service that ranks embryos based on IQ, height, and facial symmetry — finally merging science with the moral clarity of a used car dealership.

In a surprise announcement that stunned the White House press corps, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declared she is officially leaving the Democratic Party, citing a “deep longing to find acceptance somewhere less judgmental… like maybe a Libertarian knitting circle.”

In a bold move to protect the digestive systems and moral fiber of Texans, state lawmakers are proposing that beloved American junk food icons — M&M’s, Skittles, and Doritos — carry warning labels reading “Not Recommended for Human Consumption.”

In a stunning upset, California has officially dethroned Alaska’s infamous “Bridge to Nowhere” with its own $7 billion federally funded masterpiece: the “Train to Absolutely Nowhere,” a high-speed rail project that has yet to lay a single inch of track.

In a miraculous turn of events, the U.S. Army announced this week that it has met its annual recruiting goal four months early — a feat military officials attribute to the recent removal of all things woke from its ranks.

In a move that would make Big Brother proud, several universities have slapped George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 with a trigger warning, warning students that the book contains “disturbing amounts of reality.”

In a tragic yet utterly confusing event for major news outlets, a man reportedly screaming “Palestine is free!” while attacking a Jewish-owned café in Boulder has left mainstream journalists scratching their heads in collective bewilderment as to what could have possibly motivated the assault.