In a stunning move that has rocked the tech world and therapists alike, Microsoft has officially retired the iconic Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), ending decades of nostalgic trauma and late-night sobbing.

Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei emerged via pixelated bunker broadcast on state TV Wednesday to declare “total victory” over Israel and the United States — despite the minor detail that Iran didn’t shoot down a single plane, kill a single soldier, or prevent any of its “symbols of strength” from being turned into flaming craters.

In a shocking but totally coincidental series of events, Meta reportedly made “eerily perfect” trades just seconds before members of Congress moved large amounts of stock — all while owning WhatsApp, the encrypted messaging app lawmakers used to coordinate what they repeatedly insisted were “totally unrelated lunch orders.”

Planned Parenthood sparked confusion and laughter online this week after launching a bold new campaign urging “men” to schedule their routine cervical cancer screenings. The organization doubled down on its long-standing slogan, “Trans men are men,” while reminding them that they may still need to get their cervix examined—assuming they haven’t misplaced it.

In a stunning blow to Paris, Bali, and that one pharmacy in Tijuana, New Zealand has officially been crowned the “Best Place to Have Herpes,” thanks to a cheeky public health ad that has now gone viral — in more ways than one.

In a shocking on-air monologue that left even the studio teleprompter sweating, an MSNBC host passionately defended Hillary Clinton’s hypothetical foreign policy toughness, saying, “If Hillary had been president, Iran’s nuclear program would’ve been flattened–just like the careers, reputations, and pulses of her political enemies.”

Iran’s notorious “Destruction of Israel” countdown clock met its end this week in a precision Israeli airstrike — but rather than rage, Iranian officials have responded with relief, admitting that the clock’s timing was based on the wrong prophetic calendar all along.

In a stunning display of perseverance — or perhaps just stubbornness—the Iranian regime announced today that it will continue its nuclear program at “full speed,” despite the minor inconvenience that every single nuclear installation in the country has been reduced to smoldering rubble.

In a shocking new study that no one asked for, researchers found that conservatives report higher levels of happiness than liberals across every measurable category — including work, family, relationships, pets, hobbies, weather, and even the taste of oatmeal.

In a bold new initiative that blurs the line between pest control and political strategy, scientists in Hawaii have begun dropping live mosquitoes from drones — a program reportedly co-sponsored by the state’s most seasoned blood-sucking politicians.

In a bold move to appeal to health-conscious parents while keeping children firmly addicted, General Mills announced today that it will phase out synthetic food dyes in its cereals—replacing them with generous doses of chocolate, fudge, and “natural-looking” candy chunks.

A foul, eye-watering stench filled the cabin of an Air France transatlantic flight on Monday, sending passengers into a frenzy and forcing the plane to make an emergency landing. The noxious odor—described by one traveler as “a mix of rotten eggs, burnt rubber, and broken dreams”—spread rapidly just hours into Flight AF460’s journey from Paris to São Paulo.

In an urgent and heartfelt plea, the Iranian Ministry of, uh, Remaining Scientists issued a job posting Tuesday seeking anyone—yes, literally anyone—with even the faintest whiff of engineering experience.

In a shocking twist for modern activism, protesters across the globe have embraced the infamous Samsung Galaxy Note 7 as the ultimate tool for peaceful yet fiery protests. Once banned from airplanes due to its tendency to overheat and explode, the long-forgotten smartphone is now being hailed as the Molotov Cocktail of the Digital Age.

In what experts are calling “the most inexplicable scientific phenomenon since TikTok trends,” scientists stationed in Antarctica have detected a series of mysterious radio waves emanating from deep beneath the continent’s ancient ice. The signals, described as “rhythmic, desperate, and suspiciously snack-related,” have left researchers scratching their frostbitten heads.

City officials held a heartfelt press conference Monday, pausing between counting stacks of overtime paychecks, to extend their deepest gratitude to the rioters, looters, and arsonists who have turned the City of Angels into the City of Time-and-a-Half.

In a dramatic announcement on state television, Iranian officials declared they had successfully launched a precision missile strike on what they identified as the “main headquarters of the Zionist Mossad”. The celebratory broadcast included grainy footage of what appeared to be a warehouse in the Negev Desert collapsing in a cloud of dust.

In a shocking break from centuries of papal neutrality in sports, newly elected Pope Leo XIV — known before his election as Father Tony “South Side” Lombardo — declared at his first Sunday address that enduring perpetual defeat builds “unshakable moral character.”

In a tragic tale of modern injustice, dozens of Los Angeles looters are reportedly grappling with “severe emotional distress” after realizing the iPhones they heroically liberated during a recent smash-and-grab spree are completely useless, thanks to Apple’s cruel anti-theft technology.

As towering infernos lit up the Los Angeles skyline and looters sprinted from designer boutiques with armfuls of “redistributed justice,” anchors at CNN and MSNBC assured viewers that what they were witnessing was, in fact, a heartwarming display of mostly peaceful activism.