In a stunning medical breakthrough—and legal conundrum—a baby born today from a 30-year-old frozen embryo is reportedly already old enough to rent a car, apply for a mortgage, and run for Congress.

Authorities are investigating the discovery of a large, glowing beehive just outside a nuclear facility, sparking concern from scientists and uncontainable enthusiasm from Marvel fans and conspiracy theorists alike.

In a shocking twist that economists on CNN are calling “deeply problematic,” President Donald Trump’s economic revival has defied every dire prediction made by experts who once claimed that his return to the White House would instantly tank the U.S. economy, cause the dollar to collapse, and possibly summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

In what media insiders are calling a “catastrophic nosedive into irrelevance,” CNN — affectionately known in some corners of the internet as the Clinton News Network — has achieved the nearly impossible: fewer primetime viewers than a rerun of a 2003 infomercial for Ginsu knives.

Tourists are leaving a renowned sacred temple with fewer belongings and a deeper understanding of the phrase “survival of the cheekiest,” as local monkeys have been accused of orchestrating an increasingly sophisticated phone-snatching scam.

In a bold move that scientists fear could rip the snack-time continuum, Reese’s and Oreo have announced their latest abomination of confectionery ambition: the Reese’s Oreo Cup. Or is it the Oreo Reese’s Cookie? Even the marketing team isn’t sure anymore.

In its latest move to blur the line between convenience and surveillance, Amazon has acquired Bee, the AI wearable that hears absolutely everything — and now it wants to talk. Constantly.

In a shocking development that surprised absolutely no one with a moving truck and a functioning calculator, America’s blue strongholds are watching hundreds of billions in income vanish faster than a California high-speed rail deadline. Taxpayers have begun what experts now call the “Great U-Haul Migration” — a red state rendezvous driven by the irresistible allure of lower taxes, functional governance, and a fighting chance at affording a second bathroom. Economists call it a crisis. Politicians call it a tragedy. Red states call it Tuesday.

In a stunning display of unity and determination, the Democratic Party has shattered expectations—by breaking through rock bottom. According to a new Wall Street Journal poll, Democrats’ approval rating has hit a 35-year low, sparking celebrations among party insiders who believe they may have finally perfected the art of political free-fall.

In a bold effort to blame Donald Trump for the price of eggs, the Democratic National Committee released a chart on social media this week showing grocery prices skyrocketing—but only after Joe Biden took office. The post was quickly deleted once someone on staff remembered how graphs work.

In a bold attempt to combine airport fashion and exotic pet smuggling, a Florida woman recently tried to pass through TSA security with two live turtles stuffed in her bra. Yes, you read that correctly. The Transportation Security Administration was not prepared for this breaststroke of brilliance, nor were their scanners, which immediately lit up like Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

In a bold fusion of ancient scrolls and modern strikes, European rabbis are now receiving Krav Maga training to fend off antisemitic attacks—proving once and for all that the pen and the punch are mightier than the sword.

The Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday that it will be “rewriting” the decades-old food pyramid, citing what it now admits was a “massive early bias” favoring carbohydrates, likely written by a mysterious figure identified only as “someone who really liked bread.”

Authorities have launched a full-scale investigation after a luxury resort reported the mysterious disappearance of over 40 of its prized ornamental peacocks, who roamed the property freely as part of its “Exotic Elegance Experience.”

In a shocking escalation of avian delinquency, a New Jersey woman was left stunned and sandwich-less after a rogue seagull executed what witnesses are calling a “precision heist” on the boardwalk. The feathered felon reportedly snatched the sub right from her hand and vanished into the skies with the confidence of a bird who had done this many times before.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, nature rolled out its sequel—Jaws: The Obesity Years. The largest great white shark ever recorded in the Atlantic was spotted this week lurking off the coast of Cape Cod, sending shockwaves through the community and hunger pangs through the local barbecue club.

In what authorities are calling “the worst case of nautical navigation since the Titanic tried a shortcut,” a boat captain was arrested after allegedly slamming his vessel into the historic USS Midway museum ship and fleeing the scene like a pirate late on rent.

Top Democrats have called for a full congressional investigation into what they’re calling “an unprecedented threat to the Republic”: the announcement that The Late Show with Stephen Colbert will be ending in May 2026.

In a sizzling twist of fate, In-N-Out Burger CEO Lynsi Snyder has officially had enough of California’s regulatory overcooking and announced the burger empire is relocating its headquarters to the open highways of Tennessee.

In a bold new legislative move that critics are calling “peak California,” state lawmakers have introduced a bill that would fine grocery stores and retailers up to $2,500 every time one of their shopping carts is stolen and found wandering the streets like a rogue Transformer.