Local spiders have apparently upgraded their hunting strategy from “web and wait” to “Vegas Strip light show.” According to entomologists, several species have been observed tying up fireflies and using them like flashing neon “Open 24 Hours” signs.

In a shocking upset to decades of baseball tradition, Topps has officially issued a baseball card not for Aaron Judge, not for Shohei Ohtani, but for an actual squirrel.

In a shocking move sure to leave millions of Americans staring at their silent phones in despair, the Federal Communications Commission has officially yanked the cord on hundreds of suspected robocall originators.

The Democratic National Committee is facing heavy backlash after a convention speaker dismissed concerns over migrant-related crime, claiming that carjackings and similar incidents “don’t really matter to most Americans.”

The Trump administration unveiled new measures to ensure Medicaid funds are directed toward American citizens, sparking immediate outrage from Democrats who claim the move “threatens years of progress in subsidizing the illegal immigrant community.”

In a lawsuit that’s making turbulence in the airline industry, Delta and United are being sued for selling so-called “window seats” with no actual windows.

Wall Street investors panicked Friday after Cracker Barrel unveiled a new logo that no longer features the iconic old man rocking in his chair. According to the company, the beloved bearded figure “passed away peacefully after 55 years of front porch service.”

Federal agents were stunned Friday morning when they raided the Maryland home of John Bolton, former national security adviser under Donald Trump, and discovered what officials are calling “the Costco of Doomsday Prep.”

In a move that sent shockwaves through Washington, President Donald Trump proudly announced that 275,000 illegal aliens have been scrubbed from Social Security records along with 12.4 million dead people — some of whom have been “receiving” benefits longer than most Americans have been alive.

Astronomers announced this week that the so-called “Devil Comet” has provided the strongest evidence yet that comets transported water to Earth billions of years ago. According to researchers, we may owe every drop of our oceans–not to a Creator–but to a cosmic ice ball with horns.

Walmart customers got more than they bargained for this week when a food safety alert revealed that the retailer’s shrimp supply may, in fact, be glowing stronger than a Vegas neon sign. Officials warned the public to avoid consumption, though kids everywhere immediately began Googling, “What if radioactive shrimp gives me Spider-Man powers?”

In a development so shocking meteorologists are scrambling to update the seven-day forecast for Hades, Hillary Clinton has publicly declared that President Trump has been “great” and went so far as to suggest he should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

In a bold attempt to keep pace with the digital age — and their viewers’ blood pressure medication — MSNBC announced it will rebrand itself as “MS Now.” The network says it’s dropping its iconic rainbow peacock, replacing it with what executives describe as “an endless loop of dramatic piano chords and a blurry Trump mugshot.”