In a bold move to return America to its culinary roots, In-N-Out Burger announced it will be removing all artificial ingredients from its menu — including the ones that made you question whether that milkshake was really made from milk?

In what federal agents are calling “a modern-day parable of poor judgment,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) seized 150,000 cigarettes from a retired Christian couple attempting to sneak them off a cruise ship “for ministry purposes.”

In a moment hailed by some as “prophetic” and by others as “a well-meaning, but slightly confused reenactment,” a lamb was ceremonially brought up to the Temple Mount for the first time in 2,000 years to commemorate the Second Passover — a biblical make-up day for anyone who missed the original due to travel, impurity, or, apparently, modern schedules.

Archaeologists have announced a groundbreaking discovery on the slopes of Mount Ararat, claiming to have uncovered what they believe is the remnants of Noah’s Ark — and inside, something even more miraculous: fossilized animal droppings, ancient hay, and what appears to be a sealed jar labeled “Mosquito – Do Not Open”.

In a dramatic twist that left both lawmakers and lactose lovers shaken, Ben Cohen — the “Ben” in Ben & Jerry’s — was escorted out of a congressional hearing for interrupting presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The disruption not only derailed the proceedings but reportedly triggered a tragic side effect: thousands of pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream began melting in solidarity.

According to new polling data and a suspiciously curated TikTok trend, political analysts have concluded that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is now the de facto head of the Democratic Party. Move over Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and anyone born before the iPhone—Gen Z’s favorite socialist barista-turned-congresswoman is setting the national agenda, one Instagram Story at a time.

In a divine twist of fate that could only be described as biblical irony, Harvard Law School officials admitted Thursday they accidentally purchased a copy of the Magna Carta for $27 on eBay, only to discover it was an original 1215 version—worth millions—and, according to one overzealous theology professor, “likely handled by the Apostle Paul on his missionary journey to Britain.”

In a move that raises both eyebrows and eschatological alarms, Amazon Prime has quietly censored the classic Robin Hood film—apparently because the outlaw’s mission to liberate the oppressed and confront the powerful looked uncomfortably similar to… well, Jesus.

The FBI has raised the alarm over a surge in AI-generated voice messages impersonating top U.S. officials—urging Americans to “donate now” for causes ranging from saving democracy to funding Chuck Schumer’s lost iPad charger.

A group of Purdue University students has obliterated the Guinness World Record for the fastest Rubik’s Cube solved by a robot, reportedly completing the puzzle in a time so fast that it was officially clocked as “0.305 seconds.”

In a bold new chapter of international diplomacy, a fully-loaded McDonald’s food truck has rolled into the heart of Saudi Arabia—not to feed the masses, but to cater exclusively to President Donald J. Trump, currently on his “Big Mac & Middle East Peace” tour.

In a revelation that has left both military officials and the archangels shaking their heads, reports have confirmed that the military-air traffic control hotline safeguarding the skies over the nation’s capital hasn’t worked in over three years.

Tech developers have issued an emergency recall of over 1,200 self-driving robotaxis after a software glitch caused multiple crashes. The culprit? The cars weren’t prepared for passengers suddenly vanishing mid-ride due to the Rapture.

In what authorities are calling the “most organized insect insurgency since the plagues of Egypt,” four men — two Belgians, a Vietnamese national, and a Kenyan — were convicted in Kenya last week for attempting to smuggle over 5,300 ants in plastic test tubes, syringes, and (ironically) a Gideon’s Bible.

In a startling turn of events, CNN has admitted that President Donald Trump may have—brace yourself—told the truth about something. This revelation came just moments after the Bureau of Labor Statistics released data showing the sharpest drop in grocery prices in nearly five years, including a 12.7% plunge in egg prices, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Ghostbusters was in theaters and Reagan was in office.

In a bold, progressive move that took only 35 years and one funeral, Major League Baseball has officially reinstated Pete Rose’s eligibility for the Hall of Fame—despite the fact that Rose inconveniently died at the age of 83 on October 1, 2024.

In a bold move toward workplace diversity and inclusion, Microsoft has laid off 6,000 employees to create a more “AI-forward” environment, sources confirmed Tuesday.