In a move that raises both eyebrows and eschatological alarms, Amazon Prime has quietly censored the classic Robin Hood film—apparently because the outlaw’s mission to liberate the oppressed and confront the powerful looked uncomfortably similar to… well, Jesus.

The FBI has raised the alarm over a surge in AI-generated voice messages impersonating top U.S. officials—urging Americans to “donate now” for causes ranging from saving democracy to funding Chuck Schumer’s lost iPad charger.

A group of Purdue University students has obliterated the Guinness World Record for the fastest Rubik’s Cube solved by a robot, reportedly completing the puzzle in a time so fast that it was officially clocked as “0.305 seconds.”

In a bold new chapter of international diplomacy, a fully-loaded McDonald’s food truck has rolled into the heart of Saudi Arabia—not to feed the masses, but to cater exclusively to President Donald J. Trump, currently on his “Big Mac & Middle East Peace” tour.

In a revelation that has left both military officials and the archangels shaking their heads, reports have confirmed that the military-air traffic control hotline safeguarding the skies over the nation’s capital hasn’t worked in over three years.

Tech developers have issued an emergency recall of over 1,200 self-driving robotaxis after a software glitch caused multiple crashes. The culprit? The cars weren’t prepared for passengers suddenly vanishing mid-ride due to the Rapture.

In what authorities are calling the “most organized insect insurgency since the plagues of Egypt,” four men — two Belgians, a Vietnamese national, and a Kenyan — were convicted in Kenya last week for attempting to smuggle over 5,300 ants in plastic test tubes, syringes, and (ironically) a Gideon’s Bible.

In a startling turn of events, CNN has admitted that President Donald Trump may have—brace yourself—told the truth about something. This revelation came just moments after the Bureau of Labor Statistics released data showing the sharpest drop in grocery prices in nearly five years, including a 12.7% plunge in egg prices, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Ghostbusters was in theaters and Reagan was in office.

In a bold, progressive move that took only 35 years and one funeral, Major League Baseball has officially reinstated Pete Rose’s eligibility for the Hall of Fame—despite the fact that Rose inconveniently died at the age of 83 on October 1, 2024.

In a bold move toward workplace diversity and inclusion, Microsoft has laid off 6,000 employees to create a more “AI-forward” environment, sources confirmed Tuesday.

In what sources are calling a “Malibu malfunction of presidential proportions,” former President Joe Biden reportedly failed to recognize George Clooney—yes, that George Clooney—during a high-profile fundraiser just days before the CNN debate that launched a thousand panic attacks in Democratic circles.

In a rare display of bipartisan agreement, Americans from every walk of life—from Prius-driving vegans to lifted-truck libertarians—have united in their mutual hatred of one thing: the dreaded start-stop function in modern vehicles. The Environmental Protection Agency, smelling the faint odor of approval for once, is reportedly preparing a crackdown.

In a shocking act of digital discrimination, Toro Loco — the now-iconic bull known for his peaceful protest and legendary moped heist — was left “utterly steamed” after Facebook flagged and removed his latest post for alleged spam.

In a revolutionary move that blurs the line between tech innovation and dystopian sci-fi, Apple announced it will soon support brain-implant control of its devices — allowing users to open apps, send texts, or regret life choices without lifting a finger.