(Worthy Satire) – Chaos erupted in Central Park Tuesday after a beloved NYC carriage horse, “Sir Neighs-a-Lot,” dropped dead mid-shift without giving a two-week notice, sparking outrage among tourists, activists, and the Department of Historical Cosplay.
According to officials, the 15-year-old gelding collapsed from what experts are calling “a sudden and severe case of being a horse in Manhattan.”
Witnesses described the scene as “tragic yet Instagrammable,” with tourists rushing to snap photos before animal rights activists could unfurl their banners.
“We demand justice,” shouted one protester dressed as a colonial stable boy. “These horses work 10-hour days dragging tourists who’ve never walked more than 200 feet without a Starbucks. It’s medieval!”
The city’s Department of Carriage Nostalgia promised a full investigation. “We take these deaths seriously,” said Commissioner Trott Whinny. “We’ll be launching a probe into how this horse failed to complete his mandatory 40-year tour of duty pulling newlyweds and TikTok influencers.”
Mayor Eric Adams has proposed a compromise: replacing the horses with animatronic replicas powered by oat-fueled batteries and narrated by Morgan Freeman.
Meanwhile, the horse’s stablemates held a moment of silence followed by union negotiations for hazard pay and carrot bonuses.
As for Sir Neighs-a-Lot, a commemorative bronze horseshoe will be installed near the scene. Plans are also underway for a Netflix docuseries: “Hay and Disarray: The Untold Story of NYC’s Four-Legged Laborers.”
Stay tuned for episode 2: “Galloping Toward Burnout.”
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