Nurse Saves Drunk Raccoon With CPR, Says God Called Her to Do It

(Worthy Satire) – Emergency nurse Misty Combs didn’t expect her Sunday afternoon to involve chest compressions on a blackout raccoon. But when the woodland creature collapsed after bingeing on fermented peaches, Combs says she heard “a still small voice” reminding her of her Christian duty.

“I thought about just letting nature take its course,” Combs admitted, “but then I remembered the parable of the Good Samaritan. It doesn’t say except when the victim is a trash panda reeking of peach schnapps.”

Witnesses say the nurse gave the raccoon mouth-to-snout resuscitation, all while quoting John 10:10—“I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

The raccoon, revived but still visibly hungover, reportedly staggered away muttering something about “finding the nearest Waffle House.”

Local pastors praised Daniels for her example, though some noted the story raises uncomfortable theological questions: “If all creatures great and small are worth saving,” asked one minister, “does that mean we’ll see raccoons in heaven—or worse, raccoons with a drinking problem?”

Animal control officers, meanwhile, have issued a reminder that feeding alcohol to wildlife is illegal—even if the wildlife asks for “just one more round.”

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