(Worthy Satire) – In a revelation more shocking than a Super Bowl fumble, beloved TV personality and former NFL star Michael Strahan has entered therapy after discovering a disturbing family secret: his childhood pet pig, “Sir Oinks-a-Lot,” wasn’t rehomed — he was roasted.
“I thought he went to live on a farm,” Strahan said through tears on Good Morning America. “Turns out the ‘farm’ was actually our backyard barbecue in ’84.”
The trauma only deepened when Strahan, who has recently explored his Jewish heritage, realized the family feast was not just tragic — it was non-kosher. “There’s unclean, and then there’s emotionally unclean,” his therapist reportedly told him.
His parents, reached for comment, defended their actions: “It was the ’80s, and bacon was basically a love language.”
Strahan has since vowed to raise awareness through a new foundation: P.E.T. – Pork-Eating Trauma. “No child should grow up thinking their pet got adopted by a farmer named ‘Smokey.'”
The family reunion this year is expected to be catered by a certified kosher vegan food truck — just to be safe.
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