(Worthy Satire) – A Massachusetts lawmaker has introduced a groundbreaking new bill that would ban ICE officers from wearing face masks while operating in the state, arguing that “government agents should not be shielded from the emotional intensity of community feedback — especially when that feedback is airborne.”
The proposed legislation, dubbed the Spit-and-Transparency Act, claims that ICE agents are using face masks “not for health or tactical purposes, but to avoid the sacred act of being passionately spit on by concerned citizens.”
“Face masks are a barrier — not just to germs, but to justice,” said State Rep. Harmony Peltier, who introduced the bill while wearing a lavender scarf and standing next to a papier-mâché statue of Lady Liberty wearing a KN95. “If an agent can’t look a protester in the eyes while getting a warm spray of kombucha-laced rage to the cheek, are they really accountable?”
ICE officials, baffled by the legislation, issued a statement noting that masks have been standard issue for personal safety, particularly in situations where officers face not just insults, but coffee cups, reusable water bottles, and the occasional airborne gluten-free muffin.
“We wear masks to avoid being spat on — not because we’re hiding,” said one ICE agent, wiping a suspicious green substance off his tactical vest. “In some cities, getting through a protest without needing a hazmat shower is considered a win.”
Critics of the bill argue that it puts federal agents at risk and undermines common-sense hygiene practices. But Peltier remained firm. “The people have the right to express themselves with words, signs, and occasionally, unintentional oral projectiles. If ICE wants to operate here, they better bring face towels, not face shields.”
A proposed amendment to require ICE agents to “carry mints and maintain direct eye contact during confrontations” is still under debate.
At press time, Peltier confirmed a follow-up bill is being drafted to prohibit riot shields, “because they’re just glorified umbrellas for cowards.”
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