WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a gallant act of judicial mercy, a federal judge blocked the shutdown of the Department of Education, preserving America’s proud tradition of letting acronyms teach kids instead of common sense. The agency quickly reopened to resume its sacred mission: confusing students, parents, teachers—and occasionally itself.
“Education is not about answers,” said Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of Curriculum Complexity, Linda Overstructure. “It’s about filling out forms in triplicate, losing them, and then blaming the state.”
The federal judge’s decision to block the shutdown was hailed by education experts who feared students might otherwise be exposed to local control, critical thinking, or unsupervised creativity.
“Today we affirm the sacred right of every child to be confused by Common Core,” the judge’s ruling read in part, adding that dismantling the department would “set a dangerous precedent of accountability and results.”
Critics had hoped the closure might spark a return to simpler times—when math made sense, history wasn’t optional, and report cards didn’t come with disclaimers.
“Without the Department of Education, who will mandate yearly testing on outdated metrics while simultaneously encouraging ‘innovative learning models’ that nobody understands?” asked one administrator while assembling a PowerPoint titled 21st Century Learning: The 2004 Vision That Won’t Die.
Sources confirm the next round of education reform will include a national mandate for “equitable confusion across all grade levels.”
The Department of Education, founded in 1979 to address a crisis in education, celebrated the ruling by commissioning a 400-page impact study on the benefits of 400-page impact studies.
Plans are underway to celebrate the court’s ruling by rolling out a new federal initiative: No Bureaucrat Left Behind.
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