WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – According to new polling data and a suspiciously curated TikTok trend, political analysts have concluded that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is now the de facto head of the Democratic Party. Move over Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and anyone born before the iPhone—Gen Z’s favorite socialist barista-turned-congresswoman is setting the national agenda, one Instagram Story at a time.
The shift is so complete that the party has reportedly changed its official mascot from a donkey to a reusable emotional support water bottle wrapped in climate justice stickers.
“This isn’t your grandma’s Democratic Party anymore,” said party strategist Kelli Progressiva. “Unless your grandma has a degree in gender studies and works remotely for NPR.”
As part of the rebranding, the Democratic National Committee released a welcome guide for newcomers. It reads:
“We embrace all backgrounds, identities, and spiritualities—as long as they align with progressive orthodoxy. Christians are welcome too! We just ask that you swap out your Bible for a copy of The Audacity of Hope and avoid using the term ‘sin’ in public spaces.”
Churches that preach traditional morality are encouraged to become community meditation hubs or decolonized art collectives. Baptismal fonts have been repurposed for oat milk lattes. And communion? “Too exclusive,” says the new theology committee made up of three Unitarians, one guy from Burning Man, and a dog named Justice.
Meanwhile, AOC has reportedly introduced a new “Green Gospel” campaign, which includes banning gas-powered lawn mowers, replacing the Book of Psalms with climate poetry, and urging pastors to preach from the Sermon on the Mount—but only the parts about the poor, none of that “repent” stuff.
Asked how Christians fit into this new Democratic framework, DNC spokesperson Alexa (they/them) explained:
“Oh totally! Christians can stay, but we do ask they leave behind certain outdated ideas—like objective truth, traditional marriage, and quoting Scripture without a trigger warning.”
As the party continues its leftward sprint, one insider whispered off-record, “We tried to kick out God years ago… but He just keeps showing up uninvited.”
Sources say He’s been standing at the door knocking. The DNC is currently reviewing whether that violates noise ordinances.
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