(Worthy Satire) – In a calm and reassuring press conference Wednesday, an Iranian naval general rejected Western reports that much of Iran’s navy had been destroyed, insisting the fleet is simply engaged in “extensive underwater operations.”
“Our navy is not sunk,” Brig. Gen. Hossein Farshadi told reporters. “It is conducting a highly advanced underwater deployment strategy that Western analysts clearly do not understand.”
According to the general, the strategy involves several warships “operating quietly on the ocean floor,” where they are reportedly “resting, reflecting, and awaiting future orders.”
The clarification comes after U.S. and Israeli forces reportedly destroyed or sank numerous Iranian naval vessels during the opening days of the conflict. Some reports say submarines and airstrikes have sent multiple Iranian ships to the bottom of the sea, including the frigate IRIS Dena, which was torpedoed by a U.S. submarine. 
Iranian officials, however, say the West is misinterpreting the situation.
“These ships are not destroyed,” Farshadi explained. “They are simply engaged in prolonged deep-sea tactical hiding.”
Military experts say the maneuver is extremely difficult to reverse.
“One challenge,” noted one Western analyst, “is that the ships appear to have deployed their anchors permanently.”
Despite the setbacks, the general insisted Iran retains full naval capability.
“If necessary,” he said confidently, “our navy can remain underwater indefinitely.”
When asked how the crews were surviving, the general paused before responding:
“They are… very committed patriots.”
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