(Worthy Satire) – In a bold act of bureaucratic optimism, Iran has announced the creation of a brand-new Defense Council following its devastating war with Israel–despite the unfortunate trend that most of its senior military officials are either vaporized, missing, or now appearing on Israeli drone watchlists labeled “Next.”
The “Supreme High Strategic Defense and Survival Council for the Preservation of What’s Left” was unveiled in a dramatic ceremony attended by exactly three generals, a cardboard cutout of Qassem Soleimani, and a smoke machine to symbolize the “spirit of martyrdom.” Organizers insist the other invitees are “running fashionably late due to a few targeted inconveniences.”
“Our goal is to rebuild Iran’s defensive leadership, even if that means holding weekly auditions,” said acting council spokesman Gen. Mostafa Maybe-Not-For-Longi. “We’re confident our members will serve valiantly–until Mossad updates their calendar.”
The new council replaces the old one, which was last seen being “liberated from its mortal duties” during Operation Rising Lions, Israel’s recent high-octane effort to thin out Tehran’s terrorist talent pool. Sources say the council’s average life expectancy has dropped from “career-long” to “single-digit Mondays.”
To increase survivability, meetings will be held via encrypted Telegram messages, burner phones, and occasionally, loud thoughts whispered from undisclosed bunkers. Attendees must also wear name tags reading, “Not a general, just look like one.”
Israeli officials declined to comment but were seen adding new headshots to a bulletin board titled “Soon.”
In related news, Iran’s Ministry of Recruitment has begun advertising defense council positions on LinkedIn with generous sign-on bonuses, hazard pay, and a “martyrdom clause” that includes instant highway-naming privileges.
Applications are still open. Though, as one recruiter warned, “the job’s not hard–staying alive is.”
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