WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In an inspiring tale of American exceptionalism, House Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi and her husband Paul have once again defied the laws of average market returns–and possibly the laws of the land–by raking in a stunning 54% return on investments this year.
Critics call it “insider trading.” The Pelosis call it “just being in the right room at the right time with the right stock tips from the right subcommittee briefings.”
“We’re humbled,” said Paul Pelosi from the deck of his San Francisco vineyard, where the grapevines are rumored to scream “Buy Nvidia!” when the wind hits just right. “It’s just good fortune. And also strategic portfolio management. And also knowing what the SEC won’t prosecute.”
The couple expressed relief after President Donald Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill Act” passed Congress this week–legislation filled with deregulation, tax breaks, and enough legal gray zones to keep elite portfolios pumping like Pelosi’s Botox.
“We thought it was over,” Nancy reportedly whispered into a glass of Napa Valley insider-traded rosé. “But thanks to Trump’s magnificent deregulation bonanza, we can keep doing what we do best–legally skimming off the top while pretending to be public servants.”
When asked if there was any concern over potential ethical violations, Mrs. Pelosi laughed. “Ethics? Honey, we passed those back in 2009.”
Meanwhile, Capitol Hill’s unofficial investment app, StonksOfCongress.gov, has updated Pelosi’s profile to “Final Boss of Wall Street.” A bipartisan group of lawmakers is already planning to introduce a new bill titled the “Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Again Because Apparently the First One Was a Joke Act.”
As for everyday Americans trying to compete in the market? Paul Pelosi had simple advice: “Marry a politician–or be one. Otherwise, best of luck.”
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