(Worthy Satire) – The Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday that it will be “rewriting” the decades-old food pyramid, citing what it now admits was a “massive early bias” favoring carbohydrates, likely written by a mysterious figure identified only as “someone who really liked bread.”
“For years, we told Americans to eat 6-11 servings of bread, pasta, and cereal a day,” said FDA spokesperson Herb Butterworth. “In hindsight, that was less ‘nutritional advice’ and more of a wheat-fueled fever dream.”
The original food pyramid, unveiled in the early 1990s, placed grains as the base–literally and figuratively–of a healthy diet, while relegating fats and oils to a shameful sliver at the top, somewhere near “joy” and “flavor.” Nutritionists now believe the author may have been a disgruntled baker or a rogue bagel lobbyist operating under the pseudonym “Dr. Toast.”
But not everyone is happy about the impending changes. Children across the nation–led by an impassioned group calling itself “Cap’n Krunch’s Kids for Carbs”–have launched protests outside FDA headquarters. “If the new pyramid tells me to replace my Pop-Tarts with kale, I will sue,” said 10-year-old activist Braxton McSugarface, whose group has organized a cereal box sit-in.
In response, the FDA plans to release a revised pyramid that looks suspiciously like a plate with reasonable portions, leafy greens, and something called “moderation.” Critics say it’s just another government attempt to ruin breakfast.
Meanwhile, the original pyramid’s lead architect has reportedly fled to Italy, where he’s working on a new project: the Pasta Obelisk.
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