DENVER, CO (Worthy Satire) – A Colorado man who parked at Denver International Airport for just 27 minutes was stunned to receive a bill for nearly $20,000 — but airport officials say it all makes perfect sense.
According to the airport’s new Dynamic Economic Adjustment Pricing System (DEAPS), the man’s parking session occurred “during a period of financial turbulence” when interest rates, carbon offsets, and airline bag fees all aligned “like a perfect storm of capitalism.”
“We don’t control the economy,” said an airport spokesperson. “We simply monitor it, weaponize it, and pass it along to travelers.”
The man, identified only as Ethan, said he had parked to pick up his mother. “I didn’t even turn off the engine,” he said. “By the time I opened my email, Chase had already called to check for money laundering.”
Denver International later clarified that the bill included “a $250 fuel surcharge for occupying valuable tarmac-adjacent air,” a “$7,000 local congestion fee,” and a “$12,500 emotional wear-and-tear charge” for the attendant who had to explain the total.
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