WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a stunning display of unity and determination, the Democratic Party has shattered expectations—by breaking through rock bottom. According to a new Wall Street Journal poll, Democrats’ approval rating has hit a 35-year low, sparking celebrations among party insiders who believe they may have finally perfected the art of political free-fall.
“We were aiming for historic,” said one DNC strategist while nervously checking LinkedIn. “It’s not easy to alienate the middle class, working class, independents, and half of your own base—but somehow we pulled it off.”
Former President Joe Biden responded to the poll with his signature optimism: “That’s a lot of years… I think I met Abraham Lincoln back then. Great guy. Rode the train with him. No joke.”
Meanwhile, progressives blamed the dip on Republicans, climate change, billionaires, Elon Musk’s tweets, and Mercury being in retrograde. “It’s clearly misinformation,” insisted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, pointing to a TikTok chart drawn in crayon. “These numbers were probably skewed by people who can’t define ‘cisnormative.’”
As the approval numbers continued to tunnel downward, some Democrats tried to spin the data positively. “Sure, 35-year low sounds bad,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer, “but let’s be honest—who even liked us in 1989 anyway?”
At press time, the GOP responded by doing absolutely nothing and still gaining five points.
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