Passengers Complain They Couldn’t Roll Down Windows to Escape Bathroom Stench
(Worthy Satire) – In a lawsuit that’s making turbulence in the airline industry, Delta and United are being sued for selling so-called “window seats” with no actual windows.
But the plaintiffs aren’t just upset about missing the view of clouds and endless farmland. No–what really set them off was the discovery that, without windows, there’s no way to roll one down when the air in the cabin gets… ripe.
Lead plaintiff, Janet Frumple, explained:
“The bathroom was three rows behind me. Someone went in, and I swear I saw paint peel off the overhead bins. I leaned over to crank the window like in my Honda Civic–and then realized I’d been scammed. No handle, no glass, just wall. Pure entrapment.”
Attorneys argue that the airlines committed “olfactory fraud” by trapping customers in a recycled-air torture chamber. They’re seeking damages, free air fresheners, and a court order forcing airlines to install roll-down windows “at least as functional as a 1997 Toyota Corolla.”
Airline executives responded by saying they’ve already solved the problem: selling “premium oxygen” at $19.99 a whiff.
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Read Customer Complaint Letter — 29E
Dear Continental Airlines,
I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door.
All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It’s difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is? Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that’s blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers a**es that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzle?
I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment — while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the a**-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next a** that touches my shoulder will be the last!
I am picturing a boardroom, full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV.
I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat.
Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man GROAN in there! THIS SUCKS!
DEPICTION OF MANS BUTT IN MY FACE
Worse yet, is I’ve paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!
Does your company give refunds? I’d like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.
I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor…. what about my hair! I feel like I’m bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me.
I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.
We are finally descending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.
I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smoldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.
