MINNEAPOLIS (Worthy Satire) – The city that once championed the “Defund the Police” movement is now desperately trying to walk back its stance as chaos reigns in the streets. In a surreal twist, a press conference held by the “Defund the Police” coalition ended in mayhem when a mob stormed the stage and pummeled the spokesperson, chanting, “Where are the cops?!”
The spokesperson, clutching a megaphone and a self-help book titled How to De-Escalate Yourself, was seen attempting to mediate with the mob using soothing affirmations and a hand puppet named “Peaceful Pete.” However, the crowd quickly overpowered him, demanding more police protection while simultaneously holding signs that read, “Abolish the Police.”
City officials, who once proudly wore “Defund the Police” T-shirts, are now scrambling to find funding for a new police force, ironically named the “Un-Defund the Police” initiative. In a stunning reversal, Minneapolis has now requested federal aid to hire back officers who were laid off – though most of them are currently vacationing in Florida and “unavailable for comment.”
Meanwhile, local businesses have started a new trend called “DIY Policing,” where shop owners hand out batons and whistles to customers and encourage them to “take justice into their own hands – but in a non-violent, deeply therapeutic way.”
When asked for comment, the mayor assured residents that the situation was under control and that a task force had been formed to study how to un-defund the police without actually saying the words “refund the police.” He then hurriedly locked the doors and shouted, “Security! Oh, wait… never mind.”
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