WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a move that surprised absolutely no one, congressional lawmakers quietly unloaded shares of Tylenol just before controversy over a possible autism link sent the stock tumbling.
Ethics experts were quick to point out the remarkable timing: “It’s almost like they had an Excedrin-level headache coming on,” said one watchdog. “And unloading those stocks just in time seems to have saved them from another headache — the financial kind.”
Capitol insiders reported that the sell-off was accompanied by sighs of relief and a few knowing chuckles. One senator was overheard muttering, “Better to treat the pain now than deal with a migraine later.”
Meanwhile, the public — still recovering from sticker shock at pharmacy counters — is left wondering if insider trading might be the only thing in Washington working faster than extra-strength Tylenol.
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