WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a shocking but totally coincidental series of events, Meta reportedly made “eerily perfect” trades just seconds before members of Congress moved large amounts of stock — all while owning WhatsApp, the encrypted messaging app lawmakers used to coordinate what they repeatedly insisted were “totally unrelated lunch orders.”
The House of Representatives has now banned WhatsApp from all government-issued devices, citing “cybersecurity concerns” — which apparently include Meta reading messages like:
“Sell all pharma stocks NOW 😬” followed by 3 rocket emojis.
“Meta was simply too good at predicting the market,” said Rep. Blip Fineman (R-Oops). “At some point, you have to ask: is it really a coincidence they bought defense stocks every time I typed the word ‘Iran’ into my phone?”
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg responded to the allegations in a monotone livestream wearing his signature gray hoodie:
“We deny all wrongdoing. We only monitor users’ metadata… and lunch orders. Also, shout-out to Nancy for that enchilada recipe.”
The House’s Chief Administrative Officer confirmed that WhatsApp had been used to organize bipartisan fantasy football leagues, share memes about C-SPAN camera angles, and — allegedly — drop hints about upcoming legislation like “HR420 🚀🔥 GET IN NOW.”
Meta’s AI trading bot, code-named “ZuckStradamus”, was quietly shut down after buying 400,000 shares of “Generic Military Contractor, Inc.” precisely 1.2 seconds after a House Armed Services Committee group chat lit up with, “Let’s bomb something vague.”
Meanwhile, lawmakers are now being advised to switch to Microsoft Teams, a platform so unpopular that even insider trading won’t touch it.
One intern put it best:
“We were fine with Facebook watching us, but when they started beating us at our own stock game… it became personal.”
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