PORT OF MIAMI (Worthy Satire) – In what federal agents are calling “a modern-day parable of poor judgment,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) seized 150,000 cigarettes from a retired Christian couple attempting to sneak them off a cruise ship “for ministry purposes.”
Harold and Mabel Jenkins, longtime church greeters from Pensacola, were returning from a 10-day Caribbean cruise entitled “Sailing With the Spirit” when officers noticed their luggage bulging like a potluck casserole dish at a Baptist picnic.
“When we asked what was inside, they said it was ‘smoked offerings,’” said CBP Officer Jenna Martinez. “We assumed they meant fish.”
According to the couple, the cigarettes were not for resale but for “evangelistic outreach” to unsaved bingo players and backslidden bowlers. “We just wanted to meet people where they’re at,” Harold told authorities. “And a lot of them are on their back porch with a Marlboro Light.”
Mabel reportedly added, “Jesus turned water into wine. We figured a few cartons of menthols wouldn’t hurt the cause.”
Agents uncovered cartons hidden in false-bottomed Bibles, hollowed-out devotionals, and a large faux-leather “Prayer Warrior” tote that smelled suspiciously like Virginia tobacco.
CBP spokesperson Daniel Cross offered a diplomatic summary: “While we commend the Jenkinses for their zeal, smuggling contraband under the banner of evangelism is, shall we say, not exactly Pauline.”
The couple was released with a warning, a Gospel tract, and an invitation to a CBP chaplain’s Bible study on rendering unto Caesar.
When asked if they had any regrets, Harold replied, “Next time, we’ll stick to handing out Gideon Bibles and breath mints. But we just wanted folks to know—whether you’re lighting up or lifting up—Jesus still loves you.”
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