Because in California, crime prevention is obviously the retailer’s fault.
SACRAMENTO, CA (Worthy Satire) – In a bold new legislative move that critics are calling “peak California,” state lawmakers have introduced a bill that would fine grocery stores and retailers up to $2,500 every time one of their shopping carts is stolen and found wandering the streets like a rogue Transformer.
Assembly Bill 4044, dubbed the “Wayward Cart Accountability Act,” is being hailed by supporters as a “progressive step toward urban beautification and corporate responsibility,” while opponents say it’s just another way for the state to punish businesses for existing.
“The problem is not the people stealing the carts,” said State Senator Luna Freewheel (D-Berkeley), “it’s the corporations who fail to adequately chain their wheeled property to the floor or install GPS ankle monitors. We must hold these billion-dollar cart hoarders accountable.”
Under the proposed law, if a cart is found within a five-mile radius of a Whole Foods or a Piggly Wiggly, the store could be cited and fined–regardless of whether the cart was being used to carry stolen diapers, scrap metal, or a thriving urban pigeon colony.
Retailers say they’re already struggling with flash mob thefts, rising costs, and customers who believe self-checkout entitles them to a five-finger discount. Now, they’re expected to send out daily search parties for wayward carts, as if they’re in a Pixar movie.
“We tried putting locks on the carts. People stole the locks,” said one frustrated store manager.
Governor Gavin Newsom has not said whether he will sign the bill, but sources close to his office say he’s intrigued by the possibility of using the fines to fund a statewide Cart Reparations Program, aimed at providing abandoned carts with free counseling and wheel alignment therapy.
Meanwhile, Target has reportedly filed paperwork to legally classify all of its carts as “non-residential mobile shelters” in order to qualify for state protection under the Homeless Infrastructure Act.
Because in California, the only thing criminal… is expecting criminals to follow the law.
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