WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – A shocking new global report warns that by 2030, nearly half a billion teenagers could be classified as overweight. But fear not: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., leader of the recently launched MAHA Party (Muscles Are Humanity’s Answer), has unveiled a bold new plan to rescue America’s youth one kettlebell swing at a time.
Standing on top of a giant rogue plyo box in a sweat-stained tank top that read “Deadlift Tyranny,” Kennedy announced the “Burpees for the Republic” Initiative, a 10-year plan that would replace traditional gym class with compulsory CrossFit WODs (Workouts of Divine Salvation).
“The problem isn’t just sugar, seed oils, or satanic vending machines,” RFK Jr. bellowed between sets of box jumps. “It’s globalist sedentary conspiracies keeping our children from squatting for freedom!”
Under the plan, teenagers would be required to log 5 a.m. tire flips, learn Constitution-based kettlebell routines (“The Second Amendment Snatch”), and pass the Presidential Fitness Test’s new final section: 100 consecutive thrusters while quoting the Declaration of Independence.
While legal experts questioned the constitutionality of mandatory kettlebell training for minors, Kennedy responded by stripping off his shirt, executing a flawless handstand push-up on the Capitol steps, and shouting, “Come and lunge it, cowards! Freedom isn’t free — it’s earned one rep at a time!”
The plan is expected to reduce obesity by 30%, increase teenage eye-rolling by 90%, and—despite all efforts—fail to get teenagers off their phones, which they’ll now be using to record their WODs with captions like “#OppressedByBurpees.”
In related news, Peloton stock soared after rumors it may be rebranded “Patrioton” under the MAHA Wellness Act.
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