(Worthy Satire) – In a jaw-dropping interview on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Ben & Jerry’s co-founder Ben Cohen sent shockwaves through the conservative talk show’s audience by passionately declaring his love for Jesus Christ — and making a surprising claim about the dietary choices of the Messiah.
“I love Jesus Christ. Always have,” Cohen said, leaning forward with the fervor of a man who just discovered the power of cold-pressed kale juice. “And you know what? I’m pretty sure if He were around today, He’d be a vegan. Think about it — the loaves and fishes? That’s practically a plant-based protein initiative in biblical form. I mean, He was all about feeding the masses without causing harm, right?”
Carlson, visibly taken aback, tried to steer the conversation back to familiar territory. “So, you’re saying the Son of God, who miraculously multiplied fish to feed 5,000 people, would have boycotted his own miracle?”
Cohen nodded vigorously. “Absolutely. Look, back then, fish were probably like free-range or something. But today? With all the overfishing, climate change, and mercury levels, Jesus would totally be rocking some chickpea tuna and flaxseed loaves. Plus, let’s not forget — He flipped tables in the temple. That’s some serious vegan activist energy right there.”
Carlson shook his head, muttering something about “liberal ice cream conspiracies,” while Cohen smiled serenely, his eyes gleaming like a man about to unveil a new flavor called “Sermon on the Mount — Dairy-Free Divine Chocolate Chip.”
