(Worthy Satire) – Ben Cohen, co-founder of Ben & Jerry’s, has hung up his scooper after nearly five decades, but not because of age or corporate burnout. He says the ice cream empire has “tragically lost its radical edge.”
“Once upon a time, we were the conscience of frozen desserts,” Cohen lamented. “Now it’s just pints without protest. Where’s the social justice in Phish Food? Where’s the revolution in Half Baked?”
Cohen claims he fought for bolder flavors like ‘Abolish the Police Pistachio,’ ‘Gender Neutral Neapolitan,’ and ‘Green New Deal Mint,’ but executives told him they actually wanted to sell ice cream again.
Refusing to compromise, Cohen announced he’ll continue the crusade on his own: “If Ben & Jerry’s won’t go broke from the inside, I’ll make sure it does from the outside. Someone’s got to keep the spirit of melted activism alive.”
Industry analysts note that, despite Cohen’s exit, consumers may still enjoy ice cream without being lectured. But Cohen insists the real flavor is political. “Without protest, it’s just dairy in a tub,” he said.
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