VATICAN CITY (Worthy Satire) – In a shocking break from centuries of papal neutrality in sports, newly elected Pope Leo XIV — known before his election as Father Tony “South Side” Lombardo — declared at his first Sunday address that enduring perpetual defeat builds “unshakable moral character.”
Wearing a custom White Sox mitre emblazoned with the team’s 2025 record (18-97 and counting), His Holiness addressed tens of faithful pilgrims and disillusioned baseball fans gathered in St. Peter’s Square.
“Blessed are those who lose in the ninth after blowing a six-run lead,” said Pope Leo XIV, quoting what he claimed was a long-lost beatitude. “For theirs is the kingdom of resilience, cheap beer, and rebuilding seasons.”
Vatican insiders say the Pope has already petitioned MLB to add “offering up daily humiliations” as an official statistic. Meanwhile, Cardinals (not the St. Louis kind) are debating whether supporting the Sox counts as penance or outright martyrdom.
In related news, the Holy See announced a new papal encyclical: Exultate in Erroribus: On Finding Joy in Botched Double Plays.
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