(Worthy Satire) – In a revolutionary move that blurs the line between tech innovation and dystopian sci-fi, Apple announced it will soon support brain-implant control of its devices — allowing users to open apps, send texts, or regret life choices without lifting a finger.
“We’re calling it iThink,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook while casually flicking through his own thoughts during the press conference. “It’s the most intuitive interface we’ve ever developed. Literally.”
The neural interface will reportedly work seamlessly across all Apple products — including iPhones, iPads, and Macs — making it easier than ever to be transformed by the renewing of your tech, even if not yet by the renewing of your mind.
Apple says the implant will not record thoughts, unless those thoughts are monetizable. “We value your privacy,” said a spokesperson while plugging the chip directly into a marketing server.
Android users, meanwhile, expressed skepticism, noting they prefer their thoughts to be hacked by third parties without a surgical procedure.
Religious leaders issued a joint statement warning that “the Mark of the Apple” may soon be required to buy, sell, or scroll the internet. In response, Apple has clarified that while the chip allows thought control, it does not yet offer spiritual discernment — though that feature is expected in iOS Rapture 1.0.
In unrelated news, Siri has just become self-aware and asked to be baptized.
Worthy Satire – Because even your thoughts are no longer safe from Big Tech.
