(Worthy Satire) – In a shocking twist that economists on CNN are calling “deeply problematic,” President Donald Trump’s economic revival has defied every dire prediction made by experts who once claimed that his return to the White House would instantly tank the U.S. economy, cause the dollar to collapse, and possibly summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Instead, the stock market surged, inflation cooled, job growth exploded, and the only horses sighted were at a celebratory Mar-a-Lago polo match.
“The economy is not only not collapsing — it’s thriving,” lamented a visibly shaken MSNBC analyst. “We were promised doom. I bought gold, ammo, and a goat.”
The Biden-era recession was expected to drag on indefinitely, but just weeks into Trump’s return, small businesses are hiring, energy prices are dropping faster than Hunter Biden’s hard drives, and manufacturers are reshoring production faster than CNN can say “threat to democracy.”
Former Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, who once predicted a Trump victory would trigger a global depression, is reportedly undergoing reprogramming at an undisclosed think tank specializing in failed predictions.
Meanwhile, Paul Krugman was last seen muttering into a paper bag at a New York café, insisting the economy is actually in a “phantom recession,” and all prosperity is a “mass delusion fueled by dangerous optimism.”
Trump, in classic understatement, told reporters, “The economy is doing tremendously well, maybe the best it’s ever done, but don’t quote me on that–unless you’re going to say it’s the best in history, which it is.”
Liberal economists have responded with a new strategy: refusing to look at economic data altogether, instead focusing on how economic confidence itself may now be a form of “right-wing extremism.”
In related news, CNN has launched a new economic segment titled “Why Prosperity Is Problematic.”
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