(Worthy Satire) – In what authorities are calling “the worst case of nautical navigation since the Titanic tried a shortcut,” a boat captain was arrested after allegedly slamming his vessel into the historic USS Midway museum ship and fleeing the scene like a pirate late on rent.
Witnesses say the captain, whose name has been withheld pending his sobriety returning, appeared to believe the USS Midway was either a dock, a large whale, or possibly a mirage brought on by too many margaritas. Upon impact, the captain reportedly shouted, “I think I scratched it!” before peeling off at a stunning 3 knots.
“We haven’t seen a hit-and-run like this since a Jet Ski clipped a hot dog stand in 2009,” said Harbor Patrol Chief Randy Tuggs. “The guy actually tried to flee–on water. As if our patrol boats don’t go faster than a glorified party barge.”
The USS Midway, a decommissioned aircraft carrier that once served in multiple wars, reportedly suffered “mild embarrassment and some hull bruising,” according to museum staff. “She’s taken worse,” said one volunteer docent. “This is nothing compared to the time someone tried to land a drone on her ‘for the gram.'”
Authorities say the captain was located two miles away trying to blend in with paddleboarders and offering tourists “discount Navy tours” for $5 and a beer. He is facing several charges, including reckless boating, impersonating a museum guide, and failing to yield to an aircraft carrier.
In a brief statement to reporters, the captain said, “In my defense, it was really foggy. And I thought the USS Midway had better insurance.”
Museum staff say repairs will be minimal but have added a new sign to the dock that reads: “This is an aircraft carrier, not a parking space.”
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