East Coasters rejoice as double-doubles head their way; Californians light vigil with soy candles
(Worthy Satire) – In a sizzling twist of fate, In-N-Out Burger CEO Lynsi Snyder has officially had enough of California’s regulatory overcooking and announced the burger empire is relocating its headquarters to the open highways of Tennessee.
“Doing business in California is like flipping burgers on a grill that’s constantly being inspected, fined, and then declared a fire hazard,” Snyder said while signing the moving papers with a biodegradable pen. “We’re heading to a place where freedom still tastes like freshly grilled beef–and you don’t need a permit to serve it with fries.”
The decision has triggered seismic activity–emotional, not tectonic–across the West Coast. Heartbroken Californians clutched their palm-tree-patterned wrappers in disbelief, while Tennessee rolled out the red carpet made entirely of fries.
The new headquarters will be nestled somewhere along the I-40 corridor, where drive-thru lanes stretch as far as the eye can see and business permits come without a 17-step carbon neutrality pledge.
Meanwhile, East Coasters are bracing for impact.
“I’ve already converted my backyard shed into an In-N-Out man cave,” said Carl Jenkins of Newark, New Jersey. “I don’t know what ‘animal style’ means, but I plan to order it and weep.”
Local Tennessee officials celebrated the arrival with a parade of lifted trucks and a ceremonial grilling of the first Music City-style double-double. Governor Bill Lee issued a statement: “Tennessee welcomes In-N-Out with open arms and open roads. Also, zero state income tax.”
Back in California, Governor Gavin Newsom responded with the calm resolve of a man who just got served tofu instead of tri-tip: “We thank In-N-Out for their time here. Californians can now embrace locally-sourced lentil wraps and seaweed burgers.”
As In-N-Out’s iconic red-and-white signage is loaded onto trucks bound for Tennessee, the rest of America is preparing. New York is installing traffic cones in anticipation. Florida has declared a “Burger Appreciation Week.” And somewhere, a hipster in San Francisco is quietly sobbing into a kale smoothie.
The burger rebellion has begun. And it smells like freedom–with grilled onions.
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