(Worthy Satire) – In the latest sign that the nation is thriving—nutritionally, economically, and spiritually—Americans have spent $500 million in food stamps at fast-food chains this year. Economists are calling it “the most American use of taxpayer dollars since we paid farmers to hide 10 billion pounds of government cheese in underground bunkers.”
Government officials say the trend represents a bold new era of fiscal innovation known as the Drive-Thru Stimulus Program, where taxpayer money is transformed directly into french-fry grease with unparalleled efficiency.
Fast-food companies are thrilled.
“We’re honored to serve struggling families,” said a spokesperson for Taco Shed, “and also honored that 83% of our company’s revenue now comes from that card with the patriotic bald eagle on it.”
Other chains have followed suit with targeted marketing:
• McDonald’s unveiled the “McSupplemental Meal,” the first combo explicitly designed for people who say, “I’ll take the #3 and also yes, please swipe my benefits.”
• Burger King updated its slogan to “Have It Your Way—As Long As the Government Pays.”
• KFC introduced dedicated drive-thru lanes labeled “FEDERAL AID ONLY.”
Critics argue that food stamps were intended for groceries, not for “buying a Bacon Double Disaster while idling in a 2007 Honda Civic that already smells like French fries.”
Supporters disagree, insisting this is smart economic policy.
“This is trickle-down nutrition,” said one analyst. “Tax dollars flow from Washington, into a deep fryer, and back into the healthcare system. It’s a perfect circle of life.”
Meanwhile, policymakers are considering adding more restaurants to the approved list—Olive Garden among them.
A spokesman responded eagerly: “When you’re here, you’re family. And now, thanks to federal funding, your entire extended family can have bottomless breadsticks on the taxpayer’s dime.”
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